Tuesday, June 14, 2011

where clumsy comes in

First order of business, I survived the air travel to and from Michigan. (I know, you were worried.) In spite of some turbulence/lightning on the trip home, I also refrained from passing out, which I'm quite proud of. I plan to get a post up soon regaling you of my many Michigan travel tales, but I had to get this out there first... 

I consider it a day worth mentioning when I can say I managed to execute three flawless #clumsycarol moves in a matter of hours. Yep, if flailing was a sport, I pretty much pulled off a turkey today. 

Prepare to be dazzled...

Episode 1. Dinner at Bento would have been lovely had it not proved to be too difficult for me to maneuver without making a mess. About halfway through our meal, as I was reaching for my California Roll (way on the other side of my Bento Box), I accidentally painted my forearm with the spicy mayo atop my Special Mexican Roll. (Darn you, motor skills!) Hey, at least I wasn't wearing long sleeves or a jacket AND I was able to catch it as it happened instead of walking around obliviously for hours after. That's still a win in my book. 

Episode 2. After driving home from the movie tonight, I pulled into our driveway, grabbed my work backpack (black one-pocket Jansport, thanks for asking), and proceeded to ram my body into my horn as I exited the Corolla which let out a long, ridiculously loud honk. (If you follow my tweets, you know this has happened before. Possibly a few times before.) Given the fact that the mean age in our neighborhood is 62, I very well could have caused someone a heart attack. Not good. 

Episode 3. Approximately twelve seconds later, I walked into the garage in my foam Old Navy flip-flops (an excellent decision in footwear given the two-inch-deep puddle of water that practically covered the entire city today), and immediately my right foot took off sliding. (FYI: Wet flops + sealed concrete = bad news bears.) As my right foot ran away from my body, you can imagine how caught off guard my left leg must've been. It clearly decided the best course of action was to collapse underneath me, sending my left knee straight for the ground. Um, ouch. Yeah, pretty sure that will be leaving a bruise. 

Now let's all just take a moment to appreciate those three events in succession. I mean, I'll be the first to admit I have my clumsy moments but today's display was pretty incredible. I can't make this stuff up, people. 

As I picked myself up from my half-kneel and walked toward the door to the kitchen, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I opened the door and there Jason was, looking at first like What took you so long? and then soon thereafter like Oh god, are those tears? My knee was still in pain but when I managed to shove out a few words (words that made absolutely no sense in the order I put them in... fell... garage... knee... flip-flop...) I was so embarrassed/frustrated/amused by my clumsiness that I started laughing and sort of crying at the same time. 

Now ladies, if you really want to mess up a guy's world, might I suggest the ole' laugh n' cry combo. It's like the most hilariously mean mix of emotions you can throw at a guy because they have NO IDEA how to react. Oh god, they are tears. Wait... did I hear a laugh? Is she laughing? Oh crap, do I make a joke? I should make a joke. Or maybe I should hug her. But what if that makes her cry harder?? But she's laughing, so... yeah, I'll tell a joke.  Poor thing. Just hilarious. 

So here I am, finally in bed, no tears and no more throbbing knee. Even though times like these make me giggle in retrospect, there are definitely moments where I desperately wish I could be graceful and poised (and not fear for my life when I encounter a sealed concrete floor), but let's be honest, that would make for a far less interesting blog. Clumsy is simply one of the cards I was dealt in life and that's fine with me. At the very least I hope I can entertain a few people with it. Good night, and here's to hoping tomorrow goes a little more smoothly than today. 

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